A Hard Rain's Gonna Fall

**WARNING** This post has a negative/complaining tone**

I'm not sure why that Bob Dylan tune just popped into my head when it came to today's title, except that a I feel like a hard rain is falling on me...again. Two weeks into school and I'm already feeling those familiar feelings of doubt, feelings of being overwhelmed and under qualified, feelings of fear that I made a wrong choice, feelings of __________ (fill in the blank with any negative emotion). The vacation is, indeed, over!

Back to life...back to reality. And I don't really like reality right now.

I'm especially over my internship. When I do see my client and get that hands-on experience, I feel like I'm a babysitter, and when I'm not babysitting, I sit around and do nothing. I've just got to tell myself, "only three more months!" Wow. Only three more months!! When I say it like that, it actually sounds short. I know it will go by quickly, so yeah. I should tell myself to shut up, get over it and move forward. I gotta make the most of what's been given to me, right?! Right!

I also should really start writing in a personal journal. It seriously opens up my thoughts and provides me therapy. I told that to my client today to encourage him to do the same. I guess I better get to it, lest I become (or remain) a hypocrite.

I Cannot Tell a Lie

I'm drained. Last week was tough. My classes are all about self-awareness and identities and judgments and racism and social injustice, etc, etc. I know, I better get used to it, right? I know I didn't choose an easy/simple field of study. Social work is hard. Working with humans and their troubles is hard. I knew this. I am just finally here now, and it's a lot to take in. But, I'll be okay. (how I felt at the end of last week)

I should be starting my internship tomorrow, but my school was last minute in telling me where my placement is, so I haven't been able to meet with my supervisor yet. At least I do know where I will be working, though. It's with an agency that has been around since the late 1890s, literally. It's called SCO Family of Services (www.sco.org), and I will be helping with "blended child case management", which means I will be working on child cases. But since I haven't met with my supervisor yet, I don't know exactly what type of cases they will be. It can be anything from abuse/neglect to poverty, to foster care, etc. Whatever it is, it will be challenging and probably heart-wrenching at times, but rewarding and life-changing. Sure, I'm nervous. That's a given. But, then this comes to mind......and I feel better, because I know it's true. Last week was a lot of me digesting the fact that I very much stand alone or apart from the rest of my classmates and associates at this school and elsewhere, due to my religious beliefs. Once again, this is something I was not naive about in moving to New York and attending NYU. I guess it had just been a long while since it has set me apart so blatantly. Then add race into the mix. One of my text books is called Racism in the United States, and the readings I had to do last week talked a lot about the white race being "privileged" and having to "unlearn racism". Both of these phrases didn't sit very well with me. I have never thought of myself as privileged and definitely not the kind of person needing to unlearn racism. I got to write my feelings about it in what my professor calls a "reflection paper," which is a great learning tool. She doesn't grade them, but just wants us to digest what we're learning by writing our thoughts and feelings about what we read out on paper. I can already tell that this class will be the one I get the most from.